I never thought I would feel this way.
What will everyone think ?
Maybe this is normal.
Am I the only one feeling this way?
How could a mother possibly think this way?
I thought about writing this post after my son was born over 2 years ago but never had the courage to do so. It scared me, it made me sad, it confused me, I felt ashamed. I kept thinking of the judgements, but even worst I would judged myself for having these thoughts. It made me cry. After all, ever since I was a young girl having children was an obvious decision « of course », how could a woman not want to have one. I actually wanted a few kids, I loved seeing pregnant women and thought mothers with young kids was incredibly beautiful. It made me happy, it made me smile. I was one of those women (pre-motherhood) that would be shocked when another person would mention that they had no interest in having kids, or maybe only one but that would be it. I would judge them and try to find out why, why oh why didn’t they want any children, that wasn’t normal? Wasn’t it the normal progression to have a child after school and/or post secondary education, marriage and having a career?? So I was surprised, when I didn’t actually love being pregnant. It felt weird to lose (to a certain point) control of my body and the thought of having a human being inside me was a little bizarre and freaky (I kept referring to it as the little alien inside me but that was probably having been tramautized by the 80’s-90’s Alien movie series with Sigourney Weaver when aliens would burst out of their stomachs!).
When I was pregnant, every single person would tell me how I would feel and how it would be, such as « It is challenging, you will never sleep again, it’s a lot of work but you will love every moment…, you will forget about the pain when you see your baby, I would not change a thing ». However, I did not expect it to be the most difficult, dark, emotionally draining and one of the most lonely times of my life. I have tears just trying to go back to those first few months of motherhood as I am writing this post trying to explain my experience. It scares the hell out of me posting this today as I don’t even know if I have ever truly told anyone about it, I don’t remember.
I was ashamed and embarrassed that I did not feel like everyone expected me to feel, happy. Our society projects becoming a mother like the best feeling in the world….for me, well, this wasn’t the case. Some of you will be find my truth horrible, others that know me will be shocked by this revelation as people have always seen me as sweet, calm, patient and motherly. I was afraid of opening up and actually writing this post to the world as others can be cruel and judgemental for feeling different about what has been categorized as #momlifeisthebestlife. At the time, giving birth and becoming a mother truly did not feel that way, it was actually the opposite for me.
So…judge me if you will, understand me if you can, this is something real that I’ve discovered over time a lot of new mothers go through but rarely speak about it.